All Diets are Meant to Be Broken

All diets are meant to be broken and I have broken every diet I have ever been on. I became a vegetarian but today I ate herb and lemon chicken, mashed potatoes and gray and green salad and it was wonderful. I'll go back on the vegetarian diet tomorrow. From a cholesterol standpoint, the chicken was roasted on a rotisserie so it wasn't fried. But I ate the skin. Is that as bad as the half of a chocolate bar I ate. Who cares?

Free At Last

I got my ultrasound results back from the doctor and I no longer have a blood clot in my leg. I no longer have to wear compression stockings or take Warfarin. It will be much easier to go swimming if I don't have to contend with compression stockings.

Most of the time I accept my weight, except when I try to do prostrations or when my knees hurt after sitting a long time. I don't know if my knees are hurting because of arthritis or because of supporting my weight. It is easy to blame it on the weight.

There was only one woman who was bigger than me at Seminary. Most Buddhists are thin. I had to order a khaki shirt for Kasung duty because they didn't have a shirt in my size that I could borrow. My feet swelled up when I did Chi Gong, forcing me to leave the session early because my feet hurt.

Anyway, I will keep exercising, eating carefully and watching what happens.

Health at Any Size

I finished reading a book called Health at Any Size. It confirms what I suspected all along. If I eat healthy foods and exercise, my health can improve regardless of my weight. I am relieved because most of my concern about weight is regarding my health, not the aesthetics.

I became a vegetarian because of my high cholesterol. I have been a vegetarian for three weeks. I had blood work done and my cholesterol is normal and so is my blood sugar. I feel empowered and definitely less worried.

Living with Fat

I was talking with my sister on the phone yesterday and she asked me if I had explored some more options for losing weight. I said that I hadn't. I told her that I was choosing to do nothing right now except to eat like a normal person and get exercise. I told her I was burned out on the weight loss effort. I've been through Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous and two nutritionists. I have explored Medifast but can't see myself existing entirely on liquids. I have explored bariatric surgery but don't want my organs rerouted. I suspect that even when I eat like a normal person I will put on weight. That to maintain a healthy body weight I have to eat less than normal and this is hard because I get hungry. I'm not ready to get my stomach cut up, to give up carbonated beverages and rice, to take all my medications in liquid form and my vitamins in chewable form. I'm just not ready. So I'm living with the fat and trying not to get fatter. Being fat sometimes feeds on itself. The attitude is "I look like hell, I might as well overeat since I'm fat anyway." So I'm changing that attitude and watching my portions and the type of food I eat. My attitude is "My body deserves healthy whole foods in moderate portions." It could work.

All Those Rotten *@#$holes

Pursuant to my commitment to write in my notebook everyday, I have been reflecting on relationships I had prior to marrying my husband. No specific relationships have been described, only reflections in general terms. As we go through life we are constantly changing as our situations change. I wasn't the same person with one lover as I was with another. So each relationship has a different reason why it ended. I must admit my thinking and logic were fuzzy as I wrote. I came to the epiphany that I did nothing wrong. They were just @#$holes. This is because my current husband is a prince. So it turns out my dream, which I was compelled to pursue no matter what, finally came true at the age of 46.

Listening to Life

This is day two of writing in my notebook each day. Before I thought I had nothing to write about. Now I see there is so much to write about I don't know where to start. I just had to start listening to life. Listen to words spoken and to my thoughts and emotions. I have the writing notebook, which is 200 pages and the cahier, where I write down ideas and interesting quotes I have heard. Then there is the personal journal where I write down what I experienced when I wrote in the notebooks. I have been silent for four years so I'm getting my chops down again.
My father and mother are in Mexico right now. My dad swims in the ocean 6 days out of the week. He said he heard whales this morning "The mother sounded like a foghorn and the baby sounded like a cricket." He was listening to life.

New Subjects

My DVT is healing. I can go swimming again. Having DVT really made me think about how I wanted to live my life. I have been reading Living in the Face of Death, a collection of Buddhist essays on death. The main gist is that we don't know the day or hour of our death so we shouldn't waste time. For me this means practicing every day and I've started to write outside of this blog and my personal journal. I have a 200 sheet notebook and I'm going to write stories, essays and poems every day. Write whatever comes to mind but just continue to write. I have been silent for about four years as I plug away at my technical writing job. Those damn bills.