Living with Fat

I was talking with my sister on the phone yesterday and she asked me if I had explored some more options for losing weight. I said that I hadn't. I told her that I was choosing to do nothing right now except to eat like a normal person and get exercise. I told her I was burned out on the weight loss effort. I've been through Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous and two nutritionists. I have explored Medifast but can't see myself existing entirely on liquids. I have explored bariatric surgery but don't want my organs rerouted. I suspect that even when I eat like a normal person I will put on weight. That to maintain a healthy body weight I have to eat less than normal and this is hard because I get hungry. I'm not ready to get my stomach cut up, to give up carbonated beverages and rice, to take all my medications in liquid form and my vitamins in chewable form. I'm just not ready. So I'm living with the fat and trying not to get fatter. Being fat sometimes feeds on itself. The attitude is "I look like hell, I might as well overeat since I'm fat anyway." So I'm changing that attitude and watching my portions and the type of food I eat. My attitude is "My body deserves healthy whole foods in moderate portions." It could work.

All Those Rotten *@#$holes

Pursuant to my commitment to write in my notebook everyday, I have been reflecting on relationships I had prior to marrying my husband. No specific relationships have been described, only reflections in general terms. As we go through life we are constantly changing as our situations change. I wasn't the same person with one lover as I was with another. So each relationship has a different reason why it ended. I must admit my thinking and logic were fuzzy as I wrote. I came to the epiphany that I did nothing wrong. They were just @#$holes. This is because my current husband is a prince. So it turns out my dream, which I was compelled to pursue no matter what, finally came true at the age of 46.

Listening to Life

This is day two of writing in my notebook each day. Before I thought I had nothing to write about. Now I see there is so much to write about I don't know where to start. I just had to start listening to life. Listen to words spoken and to my thoughts and emotions. I have the writing notebook, which is 200 pages and the cahier, where I write down ideas and interesting quotes I have heard. Then there is the personal journal where I write down what I experienced when I wrote in the notebooks. I have been silent for four years so I'm getting my chops down again.
My father and mother are in Mexico right now. My dad swims in the ocean 6 days out of the week. He said he heard whales this morning "The mother sounded like a foghorn and the baby sounded like a cricket." He was listening to life.

New Subjects

My DVT is healing. I can go swimming again. Having DVT really made me think about how I wanted to live my life. I have been reading Living in the Face of Death, a collection of Buddhist essays on death. The main gist is that we don't know the day or hour of our death so we shouldn't waste time. For me this means practicing every day and I've started to write outside of this blog and my personal journal. I have a 200 sheet notebook and I'm going to write stories, essays and poems every day. Write whatever comes to mind but just continue to write. I have been silent for about four years as I plug away at my technical writing job. Those damn bills.

Deep Vein Thrombosis

When I was on solitary retreat in early December, I thought I would be macho and sit for three hours at a time. As a result, the entire vein in my right leg clotted up. I was diagnosed with Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT). Fat people are at risk for DVT. This is the first time I have ever had a life threatening condition. Aside from a couple of anxiety attacks I got used to it.

The first week I had to inject lovenox sub-cutaneously and after a week of that, twice a day, my stomach turned black and swelled up with scar tissue. It's been about two weeks and the bruises are fading but there is a lot of scar tissue, hopefully not permanent. For a while the scar tissue was pushing against my uterus and causing cramps.

I wear compression socks and keep my leg elevated whenever I sit down, but I can now walk short distances and can drive. I can't swim right now because vigorous activity might dislodge the clot and send it to my lungs, causing a pulmonary embolism. Even the word sounds ominous and it is.

I cancelled my appointment with my nutrionist because weight gain is inevitable without exercise. I don't want to have to drive 20 miles just to see my weight go up. I have to decide whether I want to eat vegetables or not. If I eat vegetables, I will have to have my warfarin adjusted again. I haven't been eating vegetables lately. Or much of anything else.

After years of meditation, I cut certain thoughts and not let my mind go to certain places. However I can't help but think...my body is turning against me and I am just going to get fatter and fatter...and then I cut the thoughts and don't go there.

The Medical Community

Doctors evangelize thinness to the point that I wonder if fat isn't scapegoated. Doctors assume that you are overweight because you are overeating. Not only do they assume that you're overeating, they assume that you are eating bad things with sugar, cholesterol and trans fats. One doctor said that I was so lucky that my blood sugar and cholesterol are in the normal range. It was not luck. I don't eat sugar, cholesterol or trans fats. Why not give me some credit rather than assuming I am just a lucky fat person who eats bad food?

More than just a fat woman

I am more than just a fat woman. I am a wife, swimmer, writer, musician and Buddhist. Losing weight is a full time job and can take up a lot of head space. For just one minute can I forget that I am overweight and do my sitting meditation? Sometimes I am so obsessed with losing weight that I forget my other qualities.